Titus and Lovett’s Cooking Corner: Episode 3

Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, once again to Titus and Lovett’s Cooking Corner, the weekly cooking program that puts the “family” in “family recipes!”

Now, we’ve got a tragic announcement to make this week… so here’s your host, Nellie Lovett!

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Lovett: “Well, you might be wondering where my co-host, Mr. Andronicus, is this week. Unfortunately, Titus has lost his hand in what we’re told is some sort of tragic cooking accident. It’s important that I tell you that he’s fine, but he’s spending some time recovering with his brother, Marcus.”

Since Titus is spending time at home with his brother Marcus, his daughter has offered to be a substitute co-host, so please welcome Lavinia Andronicus!”

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Lavinia: “…”

Now, Lavinia doesn’t exactly talk much, but suffice to say that she’s been baking along with her dad for years, and is really half of the Andronicus cooking force. An interesting fact about Lavinia, she’s actually missing BOTH of her hands, which has forced her to innovate new ways of using standard kitchen utensils.

And now, let’s introduce our guests!

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Aaron, the Empress’ Advisor

Aaron: “I’ve had a lot of friends on this show already: Saturninus loved his time, and the twins… suddenly disappeared, so I thought I’d see what would happen if I got a crack at Titus. And his cooking. I’m disappointed to see that he’s not here, but, ah, Lavinia should do just as well.”

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Judge Turpin

Turpin: “I’ve never known Mrs. Lovett as anything but a troublemaker in my community.”

…alright then.

On with the recipe, I guess!

Titus’ Own Finger Licking Finger Sandwiches

Lovett: “Now, this was supposed to be Titus’ recipe this week, so I’m not sure exactly how to introduce it. It seems like a basic recipe for what looks like curried meat finger sandwiches. Lavinia, do you have anything to say about it?”
Lavinia: “…”
Lovett: “…right. So let’s see what we need!”

● ½ cup flaked coconut
● ½ cup chopped almonds
● 1 (8 oz.) package cream cheese, softened
● 2 tablespoons orange marmalade
● 1 ½ teaspoons curry powder
● ¼ teaspoon salt
● ¼ teaspoon pepper
● 2 cups diced cooked meat of choice
● 12 (½-inch-thick) pumpernickel, wheat, or white bread slices
● 3 tablespoons diced green onions

Lovett: “Alright, time to talk about this week’s ‘meat of choice.’ Lavinia has gone to the effort of bringing in her own prepared meat. I’m not sure what it is, but it looks like it should be delicious!”
Aaron: “May I see it? That looks… familiar.”
Lovett: “I’m sure it’s nothing, Aaron. We’ll just put it through the grinder from last week a few times, and cook it on up!”
Turpin: “What kind of operation are you running here?”

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F, then bake your coconuts and almonds in a shallow pan for 5 to 10 minutes, until lightly toasted.

Aaron: “That’s a mighty large oven you have there.”

Stir together cream cheese, marmalade, curry powder, salt, and pepper in one mixing bowl. Gently stir in meat of choice.

Lovett: “Lavinia, put that down! Don’t try to mix it yourself! Would one of the guests lend us a hand?”
Turpin: “Are you sure it’s sanitary for the girl to be cooking with her stumps?”
Lavinia: “…”

Spread mixture evenly onto bread slices, trim crust, and cut each slice into 3 strips. Sprinkle green onions, almonds, and coconut over the top. And it’s as simple as that! Now, it’s time to see what the guests have to say about the dish!

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Titus: “WAIT! DON’T FEED THOSE GUESTS!”

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Aaron: “Why not, Andronicus?”
Judge: “I’m quite sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Lavinia: “…!”

But what about the finger sandwiches? Find out what becomes of our guests next week when Titus and Lovett finally make their claim to fame, Titus and Lovett’s Signature Mince Meat Pies!

(To be continued…)

——-

Didn’t get the joke? Come see Titus and Lovett cooking live on stage in William Shakespeare’s Titus Andronicus and the musical Sweeney Todd: School Edition, August 13-23rd at the Duluth Playhouse!

TICKETS AVAILABLE NOW!

Go online, or call 218.733.7555!

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